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As human beings we are social creatures, from the moment we are born and throughout our lives, we need others and the quality of our relationships with others is vital to our sense of well-being. As adults we hope and expect our relationships to be loving and harmonious, providing the warmth and security that allows us to deal with the pressures and demands of life, and to feel valued and appreciated.

And yet, most of us know from our own lives or from those of our close friends and families, that quite often relationships break down, or that one or both partners are living not in harmony but in states of unhappiness, frustration and insecurity. Television and newspapers constantly remind us that the pressures and stresses of modern life lead to increased breakdown of marriages and partnership relationships, often with much consequent misery for individuals, their families, children and friends.

In other words, we may find in our own lives or of those we are close to, a big gap between what we hope for in relationship and what we are actually experiencing. And perhaps if we look at it, this is not really surprising – after all, a relationship is ultimately about two people seeking to live together, and each person will bring their very different life experiences to the relationship. They may have grown up in very different families, with different norms and values and expectations. Equally, we are all bound to have experienced losses and painful events in our lives, which we will bring to our relationships. At the beginning of our relationship these differences may seem small and irrelevant, compared to our loving feelings. But they may grow in time, especially in the context of the pressures in our lives from work, children, families and friends.

If they begin to grow, we may find our experience of our relationship changing – misunderstandings occur more often and good honest communication seems to shrivel in comparison. We begin to feel that our partner does not really understand us – yet they are saying the same thing! We are increasingly frustrated by their irritating habits and arguments occur more often; they never seem to be completely sorted out. Sometimes they seem to be about small matters, sometimes about the things that are most important to us – how we are with our children and families, how we express our love and our sexuality.

For some the crisis is temporary, but for others communication really seems to become increasingly difficult, eroding all the feelings of love, warmth and security. Where this is happening, it may feel as though hope for resolution is fading and this can be where relationship counselling may offer vital help. Just as in individual counselling and psychotherapy, it can provide a safe and secure place where both partners are treated with care and respect by a counsellor who is separate from the relationship and the complex world in which exists. Therefore, able to be objective and neutral and creating the conditions whereby painful areas can be shared and explored rather than ignored or simply blamed on the other.

The confidentiality and security provided through relationship counselling can help to re-establish genuine communication, promoting understanding and realisation that with honesty and commitment wounds in relationships can heal.

Gaslighting is a term that has come to prominence in the last few years to describe behaviour in a toxic relationship. But what exactly is gaslighting, how can you spot it and how does it affect people?

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a term used to describe a form of psychological abuse where one person or a group of people manipulate someone to question their own sanity, their memories or their perception of reality. It actually derives from a play and film, Gaslight, in which a husband convinces his wife that she has a mental illness. It can be carried out by more than one person, but it usually takes place within a relationship and can cause real distress and anxiety.

Signs of gaslighting?

There are many different ways that someone can ‘gaslight’ another person. Here are some things you should look out for if you are suspicious of gaslighting.

Countering – this is where your memory may be questioned. They may say things like, ‘That’s not what happened’, or ‘Have you forgotten how it really happened?’

Withholding – this is when a person pretends, they don’t understand what you are saying, in order to make you doubt yourself. ‘I don’t get what you are saying’, or ‘You’re not making sense’.

Trivializing – your reaction to a situation may be trivialised by another person and you may be accused of over-reacting or being too sensitive.

Denial – if the other person refuses to accept responsibility for their actions, blaming someone else or forgetting something happened, this is ‘denial’.

Diverting – this is when someone changes the subject or questions your thinking to make you think that it isn’t important or you have got the situation wrong.

Effects of gaslighting?

When you are the victim of gaslighting it can leave you feeling very insecure in your relationship. You may feel alone and powerless, convinced that you are the ‘crazy’ or ‘unstable’ one, when in reality it is the other person.

It will make you question everything. Your sanity, your memories and your ability to think rationally. You will also question the other person in the relationship – do you really know them? You will doubt yourself and your feelings, convinced that it is you that over-reacts and is too sensitive. If gaslighting happens over a long period of time, it can make you believe what the other person is saying and seriously doubt your own sanity.

Gaslighting enables the other person to exert their power and control over you, leaving you feeling lacking in confidence and deeply unhappy. Your self-esteem will be affected and you may also suffer with anxiety, treading on eggshells around the other person, never knowing what to say or think.

However, you look at it, gaslighting is a powerful and destructive form of manipulation that has no place in a healthy and balanced relationship. If you feel like you are being subjected to gaslighting, please get in touch if you would like to know more about how our counsellors at Personal & Relationship Counselling in Plymouth can help. Please give us a call or email and we’d be happy to answer any questions you might have.  

At our practice in Plymouth, we’ve been supporting individuals in their journey to overcome addiction for many years—whether it’s related to substances or compulsive behaviours. These struggles often come hand-in-hand with challenges like depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem.

A lot of people approach addiction by focusing on the behaviour itself—trying to stop or abstain. And while this can work for some, digging deeper into the underlying reasons behind the addiction often leads to more meaningful and lasting results.

Renowned addiction specialist Gabor Maté, defines addiction as “a complex psycho-physiological process manifested in any behaviour in which a person finds pleasure and relief and therefore craves, but suffers negative consequences without being able to give it up. So; craving, pleasure and relief in the short term, negative consequences in the long term, and the inability or refusal to desist—that’s what addiction is.”

He goes on to explain that addiction extends beyond substances like drugs, alcohol, or nicotine. It can encompass behaviours like shopping, pornography, sex, overworking, gambling, eating or even excessive use of the internet or mobile phones. “The issue is not the external target or the behaviour—the issue is one’s internal relationship to it.”

So, where does addiction come from? Well, it’s often tied to how we cope with stress and trauma. When life overwhelms us and we don’t have the tools to manage those feelings, we can turn to substances or behaviours that provide quick but temporary relief. It might be that extra glass of wine, staying late at work to avoid home stress, or compulsive online shopping after a hard day. These coping mechanisms feel like they work in the moment—but in the long run, they can lead to a cycle that’s hard to break.

Addiction isn’t the root problem—it’s a way to mask deeper pain. For many, that pain goes all the way back to experiences like neglect, abuse, or trauma in early life. Without healthy ways to process intense emotions, we might disconnect from them entirely. Over time, substances or behaviours can become crutches to help avoid those lingering feelings, keeping us stuck in a loop of addiction.

Breaking free means more than just stopping the behaviour—it’s about understanding and addressing the pain underneath.

If you’re ready to take that first step, our counsellors in Plymouth are here to help. We’re happy to answer any questions you have—just give us a call or drop us an email.

Some may recognise the title as a part quote of Robert De Niro in the Martin Scorsese 1976 cult status movie ‘Taxi Driver’. De Niro has an exchange with himself in a mirror where he acts out being a tough guy with his reflection. Just like De Niro our thoughts help us to predict and plan our responses to given situations, but sometimes what we tell ourselves is not only unkind but untrue. Negative self talk most often creeps up on us over time. We may not even realise the extent to which we are putting ourselves​ down.

If you want to change how you feel then a good place to start is by paying attention to what you say to yourself. Sometimes the lies you tell may be wrapped in a disguise of humour, you may say them in your head or out loud but however they are presented your unconscious self is hearing and believing. When we are told something enough we start to believe it.

Start to listen to the things that you say to and about yourself, see if there are words or phrases that keep repeating themselves that you are hearing. Notice where you are, are you alone? How do you feel about what you have just told yourself? Is it true? No? Acknowledge what you have said, challenge and dispute the lies you have told yourself perhaps for many years and start to replace them with the truth.

Start to change what you say in order to change how you feel.

Tracy Ede

Along with providing counselling and psychotherapy in Plymouth and online for adults, we at Personal and Relationship Counselling work frequently with teenagers. If you are a parent, or a teenager yourself, you will know that this age bracket – between 13 and 18 – encounters a unique series of challenges, such as exam stress, body dysmorphia, bullying, self-harm, gender and sexuality issues, and social anxiety.

When it comes to these aforementioned problems, there is an underlying factor that makes all of them worse: isolation. Being alone causes these issues to inflate and warp inside one’s head, and this is a particular problem with young people who are alone far more than their parent’s generation ever used to be, or even those in their twenties today. In this blog post, we will look at the two main reasons for loneliness among young people and how they have exacerbated mental health issues.

The Pandemic

While COVID-19 had far more serious implications for senior and vulnerable citizens, the effect of lockdown on teenagers was considerable and shouldn’t be ignored. Adolescence is a time for having adventures, making new friends, spending time with people outdoors. The pandemic and its enforced isolation meant that a generation of teenagers were unable to leave their rooms and meet friends for the best part of the year, which naturally led to some developing social anxiety and withdrawing into themselves.

In terms of the school environment, COVID-19 also had a deeply damaging effect. Not only is school a vital social hub where lifelong connections are made, that in-person teacher-student dynamic is so important for getting the most out of an education. Going from being in the classroom every day to doing everything online at home caused considerable stress, especially for those sitting exams. There is a whole age bracket – those who were 16 in 2020 – that did not sit GCSEs but have now had to face the stress of sitting A-Levels, with many understandably worried about handling an exam environment – which isn’t easy in the best of circumstances. Having to do everything at home, in front of a screen, without the company of friends or support of teachers, meant that loneliness became a considerable problem.

Social Media

Even before the pandemic, which dramatically increased our screen time, the overuse of social media was a major issue among teenagers. It is now the norm for young people to spend a major portion of their day in front of a screen of some kind – phones, TVs, tablets, or laptops. Some young people spend up to eight hours a day on their phones alone.

While there are benefits to connecting with others online, the main outcome is the extent to which it induces anxiety, low self-esteem, and a feeling of envy, or FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Platforms like Instagram cause children to constantly compare themselves to others and, in turn, feel inadequate in some way. This is particularly the case with teenage girls, who find themselves endlessly subjected to unrealistic standards of beauty through being exposed to so many ‘perfect’ profiles on social media and in popular culture. Cyberbullying has also been a problem for years – especially on Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat.

Social media, in this sense, consigns young people to their own lonely bubble, making them more susceptible to more serious problems like anxiety and depression.

At Personal and Relationship Counselling, we give young people a space to receive the precise kind of counselling in Plymouth or online that they need – with a specialist they feel comfortable with. Get in touch to arrange your initial consultation.

There is a place in Looe Street whose people are a pleasure to meet. When you are emotionally depleted and utterly defeated; try to pluck up the courage, as they are wealthy in their knowledge, they are wise with words and you will be heard they refrain from opinion, you talk and they listen they are non-judgemental, they will be gentle you pause and they enquire, they will help you with your personal quagmire.

It is like a chat over a tea or a beer; but it doesn’t matter if you shed a tear there will always be a tissue, for whatever the issue. They will help you to value your life and restore belief, they are realistic and have the experience so, there will be no drama as they tend to your trauma. Take their counsel to ease your mind; you will not feel alone or left behind they have heard many things before but to them – your issue is unique and to no one else will they share or speak.

I share these thoughts and they are my own words.
In a few weeks’ time I will take my leave, but I would beckon you forward to take my place, as I wish for you also to have inner peace.

Annie Jenkin 2014

Ever feel like society pushes us to be happy all the time? Like there’s no room for the heavier emotions? That’s part of why grieving feels so tough -it’s not exactly an emotion people celebrate, is it? But grief is just as human as joy. It’s messy, raw, and yes, downright uncomfortable!

When we lose someone close, or even experience a big life change, emotions can hit us like a whirlwind. Sadness, guilt, numbness, blame – it’s a lot and it doesn’t always make sense. You might even feel like you’re going mad or losing your grip. Spoiler alert: You’re not! Grief doesn’t follow a neat, logical path; it’s chaotic, like a storm inside your mind.

See our diagram below to gain insight into the chaotic cycle of grief;

And grief isn’t just about losing someone. Ever felt strangely low after moving into a new home, starting a new job, or welcoming a child? That’s grief too – the loss of the old to make way for the new. It’s okay to feel torn, life’s gains often come with some losses.

The truth is, you don’t have to have it all together, pretending everything is fine so others feel comfortable – that’s not doing you any favours. When feelings are bottled up, they often resurface later, sometimes manifesting as anxiety or depression, which can stem from unresolved grief.

Talking helps. Whether it’s with friends or bereavement counselling, giving yourself permission to feel and share your emotions can make a world of difference. Grieving isn’t about ‘getting over it’; it’s about making peace with it in your own time.

So, let’s ditch the guilt about feeling sad. Let’s stop thinking we “should” be happy just because the world expects it. Your emotions are valid – all of them!

If you would like to know more about how our counsellors in Plymouth can help with your loss, please give us a call or email and we’d be happy to answer any questions you might have.

Talking to a therapist is a very personal and often vulnerable experience, so it is important to find a therapist who you connect with and most importantly, feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.

If you are experiencing relationship issues, depression, anxiety, bereavement, addiction, or problems with gender, sexuality or identity, you might be considering reaching out for counselling and psychotherapy in Plymouth. However, we know that this can be a daunting process especially if you are doing it for the first time. At Personal and Relationship Counselling, we have an excellent, handpicked team of therapists who specialise in a range of different issues and approaches to therapy.

Here’s how the process works;

Initial Consultation
Visit our ‘Our Therapists’ page and scroll through the list of therapists to see if there is anyone you might like to work with. After choosing your preferred therapist, please book in via our online diary, or get in touch with us to set up a free initial 15-minute phone consultation.
This gives you a chance to learn more about how they work, and briefly discuss the issues you are facing to see how they may help you work through them.
This also enables both of you to get a good feel as to whether you will be a good fit and decide if you would like to book your first session.

Arrange Your First Session
If you are happy to proceed with the therapist you spoke with, they will set a weekly slot for sessions at a time that is convenient for you.
However, if you do not want to see that therapist, choose another, or you can let us know what you want, and we will assist you with finding the right counsellor or psychotherapist.
It is important to not just match your specific problem with the right specialist, but also someone who makes you feel at ease.

Ongoing Sessions and Support
Once you’ve agreed a time and date, your sessions will begin. You will come to our practice in Looe Street, close to the Barbican and City Centre in Plymouth, and meet with the therapist you have chosen.
They work autonomously with you, building a close therapeutic relationship based on trust and confidentiality, giving you the space to explore your emotions in your own way, in a safe, non-judgemental, warm & compassionate space.
You will then meet, usually on a weekly basis until you have resolved the issue that caused you to seek our support.

Are you thinking about seeking counselling and psychotherapy in Plymouth or online? If so, feel free to get in touch with us to ask any questions. 

Prospective clients looking at the Personal & Relationship Counselling website will notice that we offer both “Counselling” and “Psychotherapy”, and they might well wonder what exactly is the difference between the two. It’s a good question and as a therapist who has worked at Personal & Relationship Counselling for a long time, and has done both Counselling and Psychotherapy training, I think its one worth trying to answer. Furthermore, I think explaining the question could be a good way to begin to explore Counselling and Psychotherapy more generally.

In my view there is not a clear, obvious and definitive answer to the question, but I would suggest that historically “counselling” has been seen as a process more concerned with the present – with issues and problems thrown up by the demands of everyday world we live in. If you like, the world external to our own minds or psyches. For example, issues provoked by loss of various kinds; by sudden big changes in life; by work issues; by family issues; by illness, look at the impact of Covid on so many lives over the past 2 years. In short, the multiplying of matters that can make our lives more difficult, more challenging & where, therefore, counselling can provide help, solace and support, in dealing with these troubling issues. In this context, counselling may be viewed as being practical and perhaps time-limited.

In contrast I think that historically “psychotherapy” has been understood as a phenomenon more to do with exploring and understanding the internal world i.e., what is going on inside our own head or psyches. And, in focusing more on the “Self” trying to deal with the troubling issues that arise in life, its orientation was often seen as being more on the past, rather than just the present – on how our early life, childhood, may have influenced or shaped our characters, and the way we might deal with the world, sometimes perhaps in ways we have not really seen or understood. In this context, perhaps the process might be “deeper” or take more time.

But in a contempory sense, this kind of difference between the two has been challenged, sometimes to such an extent that the pre-eminent professional body, The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (B.A.C.P) now considers that the terms “counselling” and “psychotherapy” to be interchangeable, a sea change indeed (although some other bodies, for example The United Council for Psychotherapy (U.K.C.P) still see some differences, and can even describe composite notions, such as “psychotherapeutic counselling”).

This may first seem a bit confusing, but in reality, I do not think it is. Both my own experiences, first as a counsellor, then as a psychotherapist, and the huge amount of research and evidence available, confirm that both “counselling” and “psychotherapy” can and do provide the range of the therapeutic interventions implied by putting the historical sense of the two terms together. In other words, “counselling” and “psychotherapy” are both concerned with The Past and The Present, and the relationship between them. We can only live in the present, and most obviously people come to counselling or psychotherapy, to receive help and support in the present, that may facilitate themselves feeling better about themselves, and more resourced to deal with the future ahead of them. Equally it is very true that sometimes exploring childhood and what has happened in the past can facilitate a better understanding of self, and perhaps the reasons why certain unhappy situations seem to occur regularly in life.

In that sense, both counselling and psychotherapy are concerned with the relationship between The Past and The Present and, similarly, the relationship between what I suggested as being the internal world (what is happening inside our minds) and the external world (what is happening in the world we live in). This leads me to suggest that there is a lovely symmetry dissemble here, because in essence counselling and psychotherapy are centred upon the construction of a relationship, between therapist and client, and the overwhelming weight of research evidence available points to the fact that the relationship between client and therapist is the crucial factor in making counselling / psychotherapy effective and helpful. The techniques and approaches, and models of therapy are important, but essentially, it is the relationship that is the critical source of healing.

This is certainly in line with my own experience, and that of my most trusted and valued colleagues over many years.

– relationship, relationship, relationship! –
The relationship between the Past and the Present
The relationship between the Internal and the External Worlds
The relationship between the Therapist and the Client

So, in exploring counselling & psychotherapy more generally, as I hope to do, it is essential to explore the nature of these relationships, the forms they might take, and how they can facilitate the solving of life problems, and the growth and development of the individual.

Les Parsons, March 2022

At Personal and Relationship Counselling, we offer couples counselling and psychotherapy from our private practice in Plymouth, along with giving clients the option of receiving sessions online. In our post-pandemic world, it is important that clients have a choice about whether they have online or in-person counselling. As a result, you may be wondering which type of session is most suitable for you. This blog post walks you through the different advantages of the two.

Online Counselling
If you are seeking counselling or psychotherapy for the first time, it is normal to feel slightly anxious, in which case it may be preferable to start off by receiving sessions online. Working with one of our therapists from the comfort of your own home allows you to feel more at ease and speak freely about the problems you are facing. It gives you that extra layer of privacy, along with saving you from travel expenses and the anxiety of visiting a new place.

Another important benefit of online counselling is flexibility, which is particularly useful when work/life commitments can make this hard to do on an in-person basis every week. Online counselling is no less meaningful and helpful than meeting face-to-face. The impact of the therapy, in whatever medium, depends on your commitment. More generally, online counselling is the best option for those with a busy schedule. It guarantees that you don’t unnecessarily miss sessions with your counsellor.

Face-to-Face Counselling
While many may feel less anxious receiving counselling online, others will see face-to-face counselling as the only viable way to make true progress with their therapist. Building that in-person rapport with your counsellor in Plymouth may be what you need to properly open up about your feelings. Seeing their body language and feeling their vocal tone is often a necessary aspect of feeling comfortable enough to effectively communicate how you feel.

Furthermore, if you don’t have a peaceful home life, coming to our private practice in Plymouth could provide the safe and dependable space you need. For some people, a counsellor’s therapy room may feel like the only safe place they know. Visiting the same place every week, at the same time, can act as a crucial psychological anchor that lays the template for recovery. This is often the case for young people, or people receiving help with PTSD and other trauma-related issues.

If you are experiencing anxiety, depression, relationship issues, young people issues, or any other issue that you need help with, feel free to get in touch with us to ask any further questions you might have about face to face, online counselling and psychotherapy.