Attachment theory helps us to understand our partner’s behaviour better and explains how early life interactions can shape our current relationships. The emotional bonds we form as children can have significant impact upon how we relate to each other, especially in our romantic relationships.
Attachment theory suggests we develop attachment styles - the emotional bonds formed between a child and its parents/caregivers - which will be replayed later in life, in our intimate relationships.
There are predominantly three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant.
Secure attachment: If we are lucky enough to have formed secure attachments in childhood, then we are likely to be confident in building trusting relationships, feel lovable and are more able to offer and receive love and compassion.
Anxious attachments: a sense of unpredictability during our childhood can leave us craving closeness and reassurance, often leading to difficulties in relationships. The fear of being left alone, or being criticised, can mean we become preoccupied with our partners whereabouts and feel the need to please them, so they don’t leave us.
Avoidant attachment: neglectful or preoccupied parents can often leave us with a sense of not being important to others. We can respond by dismissing our needs and putting others first, denying our relational needs and putting a focus on self-reliance. We fear being vulnerable and relying upon anyone else.
If you have a secure attachment style, you are more comfortable with intimacy and can establish close stable relationships. If you’ve had an anxious attachment in childhood, you’re more likely to be clingy, jealous and possibly controlling. Avoidant individuals aren’t comfortable with being emotionally close, they don’t like sharing their thoughts or feelings and find it difficult to rely on anyone.
I hope you find this helpful, and as you can see, being aware of these traits can be useful when considering why we might be struggling in our relationships.
The counsellors at Personal and Relationship Counselling in Plymouth have a professional understanding of Attachment Theory and how helpful it is in resolving relationship difficulties.
If you would like to contact us to make an appointment, we have an online diary so you can find a convenient time to book an appointment, you can also read about our therapists on the website, so you can choose someone that you feel will be the most helpful.
Nigel Summerton