In this book, "The Myth of Normal", Gabor Maté suggests that there are often "hidden stories" behind our difficulty or inability to say no. And he suggests that they come from " limiting core beliefs about ourselves", what transactional analysts call "Scripts" we learn in childhood, and live out afterwards. He suggests that the following are examples of familiar stories;
- Saying no means I can't handle something. It's a sign of weakness. I have to be strong.
- I have to be "good" to deserve being loved. If I say no, I'm not lovable.
- I'm responsible for how other people feel & what they experience. I mustn't disappoint anyone.
- I'm not worthy unless I'm doing something useful.
- If people knew how I really felt, they wouldn't like me.
- If I turned down my friend / spouse / colleague / parent / neighbour, I would feel deservedly guilty.
- It's selfish to say no.
- It's not loving to have anger.
Maybe we forget that they are only stories - we think and act as if they're true!!!
Les Parsons, July 2024.