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In this book, “The Myth of Normal”, Gabor Maté suggests that there are often “hidden stories” behind our difficulty or inability to say no. And he suggests that they come from ” limiting core beliefs about ourselves”, what transactional analysts call “Scripts” we learn in childhood, and live out afterwards. He suggests that the following are examples of familiar stories;

1. Saying no means I can’t handle something. It’s a sign of weakness. I have to be strong.
2. I have to be “good” to deserve being loved. If I say no, I’m not lovable.
3. I’m responsible for how other people feel & what they experience. I mustn’t disappoint anyone.
4. I’m not worthy unless I’m doing something useful.
5. If people knew how I really felt, they wouldn’t like me.
6. If I turned down my friend / spouse / colleague / parent / neighbour, I would feel deservedly guilty.
7. It’s selfish to say no.
8. It’s not loving to have anger.

Maybe we forget that they are only stories – we think and act as if they’re true!!!

Les Parsons, July 2024.

The Fight-or-Flight Response: How Our Brain Reacts to Threats

The brain is a complex organ that regulates many aspects of our physical and psychological well-being. It constantly processes information from our senses and the environment, and responds accordingly. However, when the brain perceives something as a potential threat, it activates a system that prepares us to stay and deal with the danger or run away to safety.

The Ancient Survival Mechanism

The term fight-or-flight comes from our ancient ancestors when they were faced with danger and had to choose; either fight or flee.

The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to the physiological reaction that occurs when we encounter something mentally or physically terrifying. Imagine facing a wild animal or an imminent danger – your body gears up for action.

Three Stages of Fight-or-Flight:

1. Alarm Stage: During this stage, the central nervous system ramps up, preparing your body to fight or flee. The sympathetic nervous system activates, leading to increased heart rate, your blood pressure rises and breathing rate increases and becomes shallow. Hormones like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol flood your system.
2. Resistance Stage: Your body attempts to normalise and recover from the initial elevated fight-or-flight response – this happens in 3/1000 of a second in perceiving the threat, and we decide whether to confront the danger, freeze or flee. These changes to our body help us act appropriately and rapidly, usually, our body will return to its natural state after 20 to 60 minutes after the perceived threat has gone.
3. Exhaustion Stage: If these stages occur repeatedly over time and there is a prolonged sense of danger you will experience ongoing stress and anxiety and risk developing physical and mental health problems.

You are probably already aware of the phrase Fight-or-Flight but there are 3 other survival reactions when we feel threatened, Freeze, Flop and Friend which make up our defensive fear responses – also known as the five F’s.

When faced with danger each of the five F’s has its own hope for a possible outcome, that is to stay alive and depending on the nature of the situation, each of these defences reduce our being a threat to our attacker.

Our active defences are to;

• Friend – to befriend our attacker in the hope of appeasing the situation
• Fight – physically and verbally responding to the threat – showing aggression
• Flight – to run away from the situation

Our passive defences are to;

• Freeze – in order to avoid detection or you ‘just froze’ and unable to shout or call for help
• Flop – to flop or feint; to minimise harm when you have no other option (as above) in the hope you will be left alone

In the modern world, that same mechanism can sometimes be triggered by everyday stressors or imagined threats. But understanding its origins can empower us to manage it more effectively. So, next time fear creeps in, take a deep breath, acknowledge it, and remember that your brain is doing its ancient job!

There are so many counsellors offering a vast range of different therapies and approaches that it’s hard to know how to make the right choice, but it is so important that we do.

Finding the right counsellor, one who you can connect and feel safe with is important. Therapy can be a powerful tool for healing and growth, but only if you have a competent and trustworthy professional by your side. It can be difficult when we are feeling vulnerable and in need of help, to be confident enough to choose someone.

At Personal and Relationship Counselling (PRC) in Plymouth we offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation prior to booking a first appointment. Recommendations are good, but if you don’t have one, a telephone conversation can help and don’t be afraid to say ‘no thank you’, a good counsellor will be understanding – read about our counsellors on ‘Our Therapists’ page.

You can be assured that each counsellor has been handpicked, chosen for their competency and professionalism, empathy and compassion. We’ve checked their qualifications and experience, making sure that all are on the BACP Register of Counsellors and Psychotherapists or an equivalent professional body.

We offer a range of approaches and techniques to suit individual needs and find the fit that’s right for you. If we can’t meet your requirements, we will make recommendations of other trusted local Plymouth counsellors.

Here are some skills, traits and professional behaviours to look out for in your counsellor.

Good Counselling Skills:

• Actively listening:  A good therapist will pay close attention to what you’re saying and ask clarifying questions. If you feel misunderstood or unheard – that’s a problem.
• Focused attention: Does your therapist seem bored, tired, preoccupied or disengaged. If so, you’re not getting the focused attention you deserve.
• Addressing Your Specific Concerns: Therapists should and be able to hear your issues and understand the impact they have on you, and tailor appropriate responses to meet your needs. If they seem stuck in one method or aren’t able to manage with your issue – you may need to find a better fit.
• Non-judgemental:  Therapy needs to be a safe space to explore difficult emotions. If you feel judged or ashamed this isn’t going to help you – indicating it isn’t a good fit.
• Working together: Therapy should be a collaborative process with your counsellor helping you to explore deeper and stay with the difficult feelings – rather than handing out simplistic, generic advice and platitudes.
• Making progress: While you might experience some emotional discomfort processing difficult topics, you should generally feel some sense of healing and hope moving forward.

Maintaining Professional & Ethical standards:

• Keeping to Appointment Times/Scheduling:  Having a regular time for your counselling is helpful. Frequent cancelling or rescheduling of appointments by your therapist shows a lack of respect for your time and can disrupt your progress in therapy.
• Relevant Advice: Remember that therapists should stay within their area of expertise. If yours is giving medical, legal or financial advice – that’s not OK.
• Confidentiality: Counsellors are required to keep your information private, with some exceptions. If you feel your therapist might be gossiping about you or sharing details inappropriately, that’s a concern.
• Respecting Your Boundaries: If your counsellor shares too much personal information about themselves, pressures you to socialise outside of sessions, asks you for gifts or personal favours or makes unwanted physical contact – that’s a red flag.

Trust your instincts: Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t right. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with your therapist, it’s important to find someone else, someone you can connect with.  If you do notice any of the red flags and warning signs it’s time to look for a new therapist.

If you have any concerns, please feel free to contact us Plymouth Counselling (PRC).

Feeling the Strain? Counselling Support in Plymouth for Those Who Serve

Are you a member of the armed forces, emergency services, NHS nurse or doctor, HM prison service feeling the weight of stress? You’re not alone. Plymouth is home to many heroes who dedicate themselves to keeping us safe and healthy. But even the strongest of us need support sometimes.

At PRC counselling practice on the Barbican in Plymouth, we specialise in providing confidential counselling and psychotherapy services tailored to the unique needs of service personnel and healthcare professionals. We understand the challenges you face, from the pressures of deployment to the emotional toll of daily emergencies.

Our experienced accredited therapists can help you with a variety of issues, including:

• Stress and anxiety
• PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
• Depression
• Relationship problems
• Work-life balance
• Moral injury

We offer a safe and supportive space for you to explore your feelings and develop healthy coping mechanisms. We believe that everyone deserves to feel well, and we’re here to help support you in addressing your emotional wellbeing.

Here’s what sets us apart:

• We understand your world. Our therapists have experience working with service personnel and healthcare professionals, and they are familiar with the specific challenges you face, both Steve and Nigel served in the armed forces.
• We offer flexible appointments. We know that your schedule can be demanding, so we offer appointments at your convenience.
• We are confidential. Everything you discuss in therapy will be kept confidential, except in limited circumstances where the law requires us to disclose information.

Don’t wait until you’re struggling to cope. Take the first step towards feeling better today with help from a counsellor or therapist at Plymouth Counselling.

Contact us for a free 15-minute phone consultation to discuss your needs.

We’ve found the following books on mental health to be useful and want to share them with you.  Mental health has many facets and choosing a book is subjective, it depends on individual needs and preferences. However, considering the main counselling issues brought to us here at PRC in Plymouth, we regard the following books on the topic the most informative.

For understanding trauma and its effects:

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk: This book explores the physical and psychological effects of trauma and offers evidence-based methods for healing.
• What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey: This book explores the impact of childhood trauma on mental and physical health and offers insights on building resilience and healing.

For managing anxiety and stress:

• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb: This memoir by a therapist explores the experiences of both the therapist and the client, offering insights into therapy and mental health challenges.
• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne: This practical guide provides self-help strategies for managing anxiety and phobias, including relaxation techniques, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and exposure therapy.

For self-compassion and self-acceptance:

• The Mindful Way Through Depression by Mark Williams and John Teasdale: This book teaches mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) techniques for preventing and managing depression.
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: This book explores the importance of vulnerability, self-compassion, and authenticity in mental and emotional well-being.

For navigating relationships and boundaries:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep– Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller: This book explores attachment styles and their impact on romantic relationships.
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab: This book teaches readers how to set healthy boundaries in their personal and professional lives.

For memoirs and personal stories:

• The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon: This Pulitzer Prize-winning book explores the history, science, and personal experience of depression.
• Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman: This heart-warming novel tells the story of a socially awkward woman who learns to connect with others.

If you are concerned about your own mental health, it is important to reach out to a qualified mental health professional. Here at PRC counselling in Plymouth we can offer a range of therapists who you can book an appointment with, or have an initial 15-minute chat, just to find out whether we can help you or guide you.

Here are some additional resources that you may find helpful:

• The National Health Service (NHS) has a website with information about mental health – NHS UK
• Mind is a mental health charity that provides information and support – Mind
• The Samaritans is a charity that provides emotional support to anyone in distress – Samaritans

If you’re a Plymouth resident facing choppy waters in your relationship, here are some tips to help you navigate the storm and find calmer waters:

Charting the Course:

1. Identify Your Triggers: Understanding your own and your partner’s triggers helps avoid unnecessary storms. Often, we pre-empt our partner, thinking we know what they’re going to say. This blocks them from expressing what they really feel and think, which prevents any resolution to an argument or discussion.
2. Calm Communication: If things get heated, avoid becoming accusatory. “You” statements can lead to defensive reactions. Instead, use “I” statements that focus on your feelings. Active listening, without interrupting, shows respect and fosters understanding, helping reduce negativity towards one another.
3. Seek Common Ground: Remember, you’re a team, not rivals. Focus on finding shared goals and solutions instead of individual victories.

Weathering the Storm:

1. Take a Time Out: If emotions start running high, agree to a cooling-off period before resuming the conversation. Take a walk, practice relaxation techniques, or engage in separate activities.
2. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person: Attacking your partner’s character is counterproductive. Stay focused on the specific issue at hand and avoid bringing up past grievances.
3. Compromise is Key: Be willing to meet halfway. It’s not about winning or losing but finding a solution that works for both of you.

Reaching Safe Harbour:

1. Express Appreciation: Even after conflict, acknowledge your partner’s positive qualities and express your appreciation for them.
2. Celebrate Reconciliation: When you successfully navigate a conflict, take a moment to celebrate your teamwork and strengthened bond.
3. Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to navigate conflict on your own, consider seeking professional guidance from a counsellor or therapist at Plymouth Counselling.

Remember that conflicts are normal in relationships; it’s how we handle them that matters most! 😊

If you have a child who is exploring their gender and sexuality, you, as a parent, play a pivotal role in helping them make sense of who they are and how they feel so they can find their own answers. You may feel ill equipped to support your child, but there are a few ways to help you feel adequately informed to support them through this difficult time.

Create a positive, non-judgemental and accepting space

Family acceptance of LGBTQIA+ young people can decrease the risk of suicide, depression, self-harm and substance abuse. When your child is exploring their gender identity, it is a big step for them. They may feel fear and anxiety about their own place in the world, and they may also be worried about your reaction. If they are to explore their feelings in a positive and healthy way, they need you to believe them and to accept them for who they are.

Being open to discussing their feelings in an open and honest way will help them feel accepted and validated. Show your child that you, as a family are accepting of all gender identities and sexual orientations. This could be using the correct pronouns, discussing issues that arise in the media or on TV in a non-judgemental way, or talking openly about non-conforming or non-straight family or friends you may have. This way, your child will also feel confident coming to you to discuss feelings about their own journey and that the family home is a safe and accepting space to talk.

Educate yourself

Educating yourself on all aspects of gender and sexuality will help you feel equipped to discuss your child’s identity confidently. Learn about different identities and sexualities, and the issues that they face so you can support your child and make them feel accepted. Even the language that you use can help a child feel supported and valued, so learn the correct terminology, the right pronouns to use and encourage the whole family to do so. Again, this will help your child feel accepted, valued and make them more likely to discuss their feelings with you.

Go at their pace

Your child needs your support and acceptance. You can’t change their mind, but you can help them find their way through this difficult time.

Go at your child’s pace and be led by them. Don’t force them to commit or make a decision they may regret later on. Be available to listen to them and talk anything through. They may be uncertain about who they are and not want to make any decision just yet. As a parent or carer, you should be respectful, and remember that it is their journey, so don’t impose your need for clarity on them, as they may not be sure yet.

It’s completely normal for marriages to face challenges. Over time, these difficulties can strain the relationship, making it harder to stay connected. While some couples try to resolve issues on their own, many are now turning to professional help. In fact, nearly 10% of marriages end in divorce (ONS, 2021), and counselling charity Relate has seen a 30% rise in couples aged 20–30 seeking support since 2014.

What is Marriage Counselling?

Marriage counselling is a form of therapy where couples work with a trained professional to address issues affecting their relationship. The goal is to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and rebuild emotional intimacy. When both partners actively participate, counselling can be a powerful tool to reconnect and strengthen the bond.

Rather than assigning blame, counselling provides a safe space for both individuals to speak openly and honestly. The focus is on understanding, empathy, and collaboration. Many therapists view the relationship itself as the client, encouraging both partners to take responsibility for its healing.

Through counselling, couples can:

• Break negative patterns of interaction
• Deepen emotional connection
• Improve intimacy
• Build healthier communication habits

These skills often continue to benefit the relationship long after therapy ends.

Who can Benefit from Counselling?

You do not need to be in crisis to seek help. Counselling is also a proactive way to nurture your relationship and help it thrive. For younger couples, it can lay the groundwork for strong communication and mutual understanding from the start.

If you feel your relationship could be stronger, or if you want to grow as a partner, counselling offers a space to make meaningful changes. Early intervention – even for small issues – can prevent problems from escalating.

Consider couples counselling if:

• Arguments are frequent or unresolved
• You feel disconnected or indifferent
• There’s a lack of support, appreciation, or love
• You’re facing challenges like infidelity, addiction, or abuse
• You feel held back or misunderstood by your partner

Whatever the issue, counselling provides the tools and support to work through it together, helping you build a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

Need Support?

If you feel your relationship is struggling or simply want to strengthen your connection, our experienced counsellors in Plymouth are here to help. Feel free to call or email us – we are happy to answer any questions you may have.

As human beings we are social creatures, from the moment we are born and throughout our lives, we need others and the quality of our relationships with others is vital to our sense of well-being. As adults we hope and expect our relationships to be loving and harmonious, providing the warmth and security that allows us to deal with the pressures and demands of life, and to feel valued and appreciated.

And yet, most of us know from our own lives or from those of our close friends and families, that quite often relationships break down, or that one or both partners are living not in harmony but in states of unhappiness, frustration and insecurity. Television and newspapers constantly remind us that the pressures and stresses of modern life lead to increased breakdown of marriages and partnership relationships, often with much consequent misery for individuals, their families, children and friends.

In other words, we may find in our own lives or of those we are close to, a big gap between what we hope for in relationship and what we are actually experiencing. And perhaps if we look at it, this is not really surprising – after all, a relationship is ultimately about two people seeking to live together, and each person will bring their very different life experiences to the relationship. They may have grown up in very different families, with different norms and values and expectations. Equally, we are all bound to have experienced losses and painful events in our lives, which we will bring to our relationships. At the beginning of our relationship these differences may seem small and irrelevant, compared to our loving feelings. But they may grow in time, especially in the context of the pressures in our lives from work, children, families and friends.

If they begin to grow, we may find our experience of our relationship changing – misunderstandings occur more often and good honest communication seems to shrivel in comparison. We begin to feel that our partner does not really understand us – yet they are saying the same thing! We are increasingly frustrated by their irritating habits and arguments occur more often; they never seem to be completely sorted out. Sometimes they seem to be about small matters, sometimes about the things that are most important to us – how we are with our children and families, how we express our love and our sexuality.

For some the crisis is temporary, but for others communication really seems to become increasingly difficult, eroding all the feelings of love, warmth and security. Where this is happening, it may feel as though hope for resolution is fading and this can be where relationship counselling may offer vital help. Just as in individual counselling and psychotherapy, it can provide a safe and secure place where both partners are treated with care and respect by a counsellor who is separate from the relationship and the complex world in which exists. Therefore, able to be objective and neutral and creating the conditions whereby painful areas can be shared and explored rather than ignored or simply blamed on the other.

The confidentiality and security provided through relationship counselling can help to re-establish genuine communication, promoting understanding and realisation that with honesty and commitment wounds in relationships can heal.

Gaslighting is a term that has come to prominence in the last few years to describe behaviour in a toxic relationship. But what exactly is gaslighting, how can you spot it and how does it affect people?

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a term used to describe a form of psychological abuse where one person or a group of people manipulate someone to question their own sanity, their memories or their perception of reality. It actually derives from a play and film, Gaslight, in which a husband convinces his wife that she has a mental illness. It can be carried out by more than one person, but it usually takes place within a relationship and can cause real distress and anxiety.

Signs of gaslighting?

There are many different ways that someone can ‘gaslight’ another person. Here are some things you should look out for if you are suspicious of gaslighting.

Countering – this is where your memory may be questioned. They may say things like, ‘That’s not what happened’, or ‘Have you forgotten how it really happened?’

Withholding – this is when a person pretends, they don’t understand what you are saying, in order to make you doubt yourself. ‘I don’t get what you are saying’, or ‘You’re not making sense’.

Trivializing – your reaction to a situation may be trivialised by another person and you may be accused of over-reacting or being too sensitive.

Denial – if the other person refuses to accept responsibility for their actions, blaming someone else or forgetting something happened, this is ‘denial’.

Diverting – this is when someone changes the subject or questions your thinking to make you think that it isn’t important or you have got the situation wrong.

Effects of gaslighting?

When you are the victim of gaslighting it can leave you feeling very insecure in your relationship. You may feel alone and powerless, convinced that you are the ‘crazy’ or ‘unstable’ one, when in reality it is the other person.

It will make you question everything. Your sanity, your memories and your ability to think rationally. You will also question the other person in the relationship – do you really know them? You will doubt yourself and your feelings, convinced that it is you that over-reacts and is too sensitive. If gaslighting happens over a long period of time, it can make you believe what the other person is saying and seriously doubt your own sanity.

Gaslighting enables the other person to exert their power and control over you, leaving you feeling lacking in confidence and deeply unhappy. Your self-esteem will be affected and you may also suffer with anxiety, treading on eggshells around the other person, never knowing what to say or think.

However, you look at it, gaslighting is a powerful and destructive form of manipulation that has no place in a healthy and balanced relationship. If you feel like you are being subjected to gaslighting, please get in touch if you would like to know more about how our counsellors at Personal & Relationship Counselling in Plymouth can help. Please give us a call or email and we’d be happy to answer any questions you might have.