Category: Relationships

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Marriage & Long-Term Relationships Mindfulness and Mental Health Relationships

Rebuild Trust, Intimacy & Connection

Healthy relationships are essential for emotional well-being, but challenges like communication breakdown, intimacy issues, or addiction can strain even the strongest bonds. If you’re searching for relationship counselling in Plymouth, psychosexual therapy in Devon, or help with sex and porn addiction, professional support can make a life-changing difference.

Expert counselling services in Plymouth; Our experienced therapists offer confidential, compassionate support for individuals and couples facing issues such as:

  • Relationship Problems – Communication difficulties, infidelity, emotional disconnection.
  • Psychosexual Therapy – Loss of desire, painful sex, erectile dysfunction, orgasmic challenges.
  • Addiction Counselling – Sex and porn addiction recovery, support for partners affected by addiction.
  • Mental Health Support – Anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma impacting relationships.

Why choose our counselling services? With over 30 years of experience, we provide tailored therapy sessions in a safe, welcoming environment in Plymouth’s historic Barbican area.

Our goal is to help you:

  • Rebuild trust and intimacy
  • Improve communication
  • Overcome sexual health challenges
  • Heal from addiction and emotional pain

To learn more about all of the above, take a look at our Psychosexual Therapy & Relationship Counselling website.

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Addiction Children & Young People Difference between Counselling & Psychotherapy Featured Article Gender & Sexuality Grieving & Loss Marriage & Long-Term Relationships Mindfulness and Mental Health PTSD & Trauma Relationships

Why we started blogging

Over the years, we have had the privilege of sitting with people through some of their most vulnerable moments – heartbreak, confusion, grief, and growth. Each story is unique, but many share common threads: the need to feel heard, the desire for connection, and the courage to seek change.

Blogs are our way of extending that space beyond the counselling room. Whether you are navigating a relationship breakdown, supporting a young person through a tough time, or simply curious about how therapy works, we hope these posts offer insight, comfort, and maybe even a sense of companionship.

What you will find here; We write about the real-life issues that bring people to counselling:

  • Communication and Reconnection: How small shifts in how we listen and respond can rebuild trust and closeness.
  • Grief and Loss: Understanding the many forms grief can take, and how to move through it at your own pace.
  • Young People’s Challenges: From anxiety and identity to peer pressure and family dynamics – we explore what it is like growing up today.
  • Relationship Dynamics: Whether romantic, familial, or platonic, relationships shape us. We look at how they evolve, and how to nurture them.

Why it matters; We believe that healing begins with understanding – and sometimes, reading something that reflects your own experience can be the first step. Our hope is that our blogs feel like a gentle companion, offering clarity when things feel cloudy, and reminding you that you are not alone.

We are based in Looe Street, Plymouth, and always happy to chat in person when the time feels right for you. Until then, we invite you to explore, reflect, and reach out if something resonates.

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Mindfulness and Mental Health Relationships

We’re often our own harshest critics.

Quieting the Inner Critic: Learning to Be Kinder to Yourself

Most of us know that voice – the one that whispers, “You should be doing better,” or “Why can’t you handle this?” It often shows up when we’re stressed, tired, or feeling vulnerable. And while it might seem like it’s trying to push us forward, over time, it can wear us down.

Psychologists call this voice the inner critic. It’s not always loud, but it’s persistent. It can make us doubt ourselves, feel ashamed of our struggles, or believe we’re falling short – even when we’re doing our best.

The good news is, we don’t have to live under its weight. Research shows that practising self-compassion – treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we’d offer a friend – can reduce stress, boost resilience, and even improve motivation. It’s not about ignoring mistakes or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about recognising that being human means being imperfect, and that’s okay.

In counselling, we often help people notice that inner voice and begin to soften it. Sometimes, just naming it can be powerful. From there, we explore ways to respond with patience, curiosity, and care – rather than criticism.

You deserve to feel supported, especially by yourself.

📍At Personal & Relationship Counselling Plymouth, we offer a safe space to explore these patterns and begin building a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

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Mindfulness and Mental Health Relationships

The pressure to be happy

The Expectation Gap: Why Happiness Sometimes Feels Out of Reach

We often grow up believing that happiness comes from getting what we want – the right job, the perfect relationship, a sense of control over life. But psychology tells a different story: much of our happiness depends not on what we have, but on what we expect.

When we expect life to always feel good, relationships to always be fulfilling, or ourselves to always be confident and calm, we set a bar that’s impossible to reach. And when reality doesn’t match those expectations, it can leave us feeling disappointed, frustrated, or even like we’ve failed.

This space between how things are and how we think they should be is what researchers call the expectation gap. The wider that gap, the harder it is to feel content – even when things are objectively okay.

In counselling, we often explore this gap gently and honestly. It’s not about lowering your standards or giving up hope. It’s about finding a balance between hope and acceptance – learning to appreciate what’s here, now, even if it’s imperfect. It’s about discovering what truly matters to you, rather than chasing someone else’s version of happiness.

We’ve seen how powerful it can be when someone begins to shift their perspective – not by ignoring their struggles, but by understanding them. That shift can bring calm, clarity, and a deeper sense of satisfaction.

📍At Personal & Relationship Counselling Plymouth, we’re here to help you explore these questions in a safe, supportive space. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.

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Marriage & Long-Term Relationships Mindfulness and Mental Health Relationships

Communication and Reconnection

Sometimes we talk, but don’t really hear each other. Words are exchanged, but the meaning – the emotion behind them – gets lost. Over time, this can leave us feeling distant, unheard, or even invisible in our relationships.

We see this often in counselling: couples who feel like housemates instead of partners, parents and teens locked in cycles of frustration, friends drifting apart without knowing why. It’s not that people stop caring – it’s that life gets busy, emotions get tangled, and communication becomes reactive instead of intentional.

Counselling offers a space to pause. To slow down. To really listen – not just to the other person, but to yourself. It’s a place where you can explore what’s being said, what’s being felt, and what’s being missed. Sometimes, even the smallest shift – a new way of phrasing something, a moment of genuine listening – can begin to rebuild trust and closeness.

We don’t believe in quick fixes. But we do believe in the power of connection. And we’ve seen how, with time and care, relationships can heal and grow stronger than before.

📍We’re based locally in Looe Street, Plymouth, and always happy to chat in person when the time feels right for you. Whether you’re coming alone or with someone else, you’re welcome here.

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Mindfulness and Mental Health Relationships

Nature Walks: A Simple Stress-Relief Tip

Stepping Outside: Nature as a Gentle Reset

Sometimes, the simplest things can make the biggest difference. Stepping outside – even for just a short walk – can be one of the most powerful ways to calm your mind and reconnect with yourself.

Research shows that spending just 20 minutes in nature can lower cortisol, the stress hormone. But beyond the science, there’s something deeply human about being outdoors. The rhythm of your footsteps, the sound of birds, the feel of the wind – it all helps you slow down and breathe a little easier.

And it doesn’t have to be a long or strenuous hike. A gentle stroll along the coast, through a quiet park, or under the trees on a wooded path can help you reset, shift your perspective, and ease tension. It’s not about exercise – it’s about presence.

Here in Plymouth, we’re lucky. From the rugged beauty of Dartmoor to the calming views along the South West Coast Path, nature is never far away. These spaces offer more than scenery – they offer breathing room, a chance to pause, and a way to reconnect with what matters.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or just in need of a moment to yourself, try stepping outside. It’s a small act of self-care that can gently open the door to healing.

📍We’re here at Personal & Relationship Counselling Plymouth, based in Looe Street – and we often encourage clients to explore how nature can support their wellbeing, alongside counselling.

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Difference between Counselling & Psychotherapy Mindfulness and Mental Health Relationships

Attachment theory can help us in our relationship

Attachment theory helps us to understand our partner’s behaviour better and explains how early life interactions can shape our current relationships. The emotional bonds we form as children can have significant impact upon how we relate to each other, especially in our romantic relationships.

Attachment theory suggests we develop attachment styles – the emotional bonds formed between a child and its parents/caregivers – which will be replayed later in life, in our intimate relationships.

There are predominantly three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant.

Secure attachment: If we are lucky enough to have formed secure attachments in childhood, then we are likely to be confident in building trusting relationships, feel lovable and are more able to offer and receive love and compassion.

Anxious attachments: a sense of unpredictability during our childhood can leave us craving closeness and reassurance, often leading to difficulties in relationships. The fear of being left alone, or being criticised, can mean we become preoccupied with our partners whereabouts and feel the need to please them, so they don’t leave us.

Avoidant attachment: neglectful or preoccupied parents can often leave us with a sense of not being important to others. We can respond by dismissing our needs and putting others first, denying our relational needs and putting a focus on self-reliance. We fear being vulnerable and relying upon anyone else.

If you have a secure attachment style, you are more comfortable with intimacy and can establish close stable relationships.  If you’ve had an anxious attachment in childhood, you’re more likely to be clingy, jealous and possibly controlling. Avoidant individuals aren’t comfortable with being emotionally close, they don’t like sharing their thoughts or feelings and find it difficult to rely on anyone.

I hope you find this helpful, and as you can see, being aware of these traits can be useful when considering why we might be struggling in our relationships. 

The counsellors at Personal and Relationship Counselling in Plymouth have a professional understanding of Attachment Theory and how helpful it is in resolving relationship difficulties.

If you would like to contact us to make an appointment, we have an online diary so you can find a convenient time to book an appointment, you can also read about our therapists on the website, so you can choose someone that you feel will be the most helpful.

Nigel Summerton

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Mindfulness and Mental Health Relationships Uncategorized

Hidden Stories

In this book, “The Myth of Normal”, Gabor Maté suggests that there are often “hidden stories” behind our difficulty or inability to say no. And he suggests that they come from ” limiting core beliefs about ourselves”, what transactional analysts call “Scripts” we learn in childhood, and live out afterwards. He suggests that the following are examples of familiar stories;

  1. Saying no means I can’t handle something. It’s a sign of weakness. I have to be strong.
  2. I have to be “good” to deserve being loved. If I say no, I’m not lovable.
  3. I’m responsible for how other people feel & what they experience. I mustn’t disappoint anyone.
  4. I’m not worthy unless I’m doing something useful.
  5. If people knew how I really felt, they wouldn’t like me.
  6. If I turned down my friend / spouse / colleague / parent / neighbour, I would feel deservedly guilty.
  7. It’s selfish to say no.
  8. It’s not loving to have anger.

Maybe we forget that they are only stories – we think and act as if they’re true!!!

Les Parsons, July 2024.

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Addiction Difference between Counselling & Psychotherapy Grieving & Loss Mindfulness and Mental Health PTSD & Trauma Relationships

Fight-or-flight; our body’s automatic reaction to stress or danger

The Fight-or-Flight Response: How Our Brain Reacts to Threats

The brain is a complex organ that regulates many aspects of our physical and psychological well-being. It constantly processes information from our senses and the environment, and responds accordingly. However, when the brain perceives something as a potential threat, it activates a system that prepares us to stay and deal with the danger or run away to safety.

The Ancient Survival Mechanism

The term fight-or-flight comes from our ancient ancestors when they were faced with danger and had to choose; either fight or flee.

The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to the physiological reaction that occurs when we encounter something mentally or physically terrifying. Imagine facing a wild animal or an imminent danger – your body gears up for action.

Three Stages of Fight-or-Flight:

  1. Alarm Stage: During this stage, the central nervous system ramps up, preparing your body to fight or flee. The sympathetic nervous system activates, leading to increased heart rate, your blood pressure rises and breathing rate increases and becomes shallow. Hormones like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol flood your system.
  2. Resistance Stage: Your body attempts to normalise and recover from the initial elevated fight-or-flight response – this happens in 3/1000 of a second in perceiving the threat, and we decide whether to confront the danger, freeze or flee. These changes to our body help us act appropriately and rapidly, usually, our body will return to its natural state after 20 to 60 minutes after the perceived threat has gone.
  3. Exhaustion Stage: If these stages occur repeatedly over time and there is a prolonged sense of danger you will experience ongoing stress and anxiety and risk developing physical and mental health problems.

You are probably already aware of the phrase Fight-or-Flight but there are 3 other survival reactions when we feel threatened, Freeze, Flop and Friend which make up our defensive fear responses – also known as the five F’s.

When faced with danger each of the five F’s has its own hope for a possible outcome, that is to stay alive and depending on the nature of the situation, each of these defences reduce our being a threat to our attacker.

Our active defences are to;

  • Friend – to befriend our attacker in the hope of appeasing the situation
  • Fight – physically and verbally responding to the threat – showing aggression
  • Flight – to run away from the situation

Our passive defences are to;

  • Freeze – in order to avoid detection or you ‘just froze’ and unable to shout or call for help
  • Flop – to flop or feint; to minimise harm when you have no other option (as above) in the hope you will be left alone

In the modern world, that same mechanism can sometimes be triggered by everyday stressors or imagined threats. But understanding its origins can empower us to manage it more effectively. So, next time fear creeps in, take a deep breath, acknowledge it, and remember that your brain is doing its ancient job!

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Addiction Children & Young People Difference between Counselling & Psychotherapy Featured Article Gender & Sexuality Grieving & Loss Marriage & Long-Term Relationships Mindfulness and Mental Health PTSD & Trauma Relationships

Is your counsellor a good fit for you?

There are so many counsellors offering a vast range of different therapies and approaches that it’s hard to know how to make the right choice, but it is so important that we do.

Finding the right counsellor, one who you can connect and feel safe with is important. Therapy can be a powerful tool for healing and growth, but only if you have a competent and trustworthy professional by your side. It can be difficult when we are feeling vulnerable and in need of help, to be confident enough to choose someone.

At Personal and Relationship Counselling (PRC) in Plymouth we offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation prior to booking a first appointment. Recommendations are good, but if you don’t have one, a telephone conversation can help and don’t be afraid to say ‘no thank you’, a good counsellor will be understanding – read about our counsellors on ‘Our Therapists’ page.

You can be assured that each counsellor has been handpicked, chosen for their competency and professionalism, empathy and compassion. We’ve checked their qualifications and experience, making sure that all are on the BACP Register of Counsellors and Psychotherapists or an equivalent professional body.

We offer a range of approaches and techniques to suit individual needs and find the fit that’s right for you. If we can’t meet your requirements, we will make recommendations of other trusted local Plymouth counsellors.

Here are some skills, traits and professional behaviours to look out for in your counsellor.

Good Counselling Skills:

  • Actively listening:  A good therapist will pay close attention to what you’re saying and ask clarifying questions. If you feel misunderstood or unheard – that’s a problem.
  • Focused attention: Does your therapist seem bored, tired, preoccupied or disengaged. If so, you’re not getting the focused attention you deserve.
  • Addressing Your Specific Concerns: Therapists should and be able to hear your issues and understand the impact they have on you, and tailor appropriate responses to meet your needs. If they seem stuck in one method or aren’t able to manage with your issue – you may need to find a better fit.
  • Non-judgemental:  Therapy needs to be a safe space to explore difficult emotions. If you feel judged or ashamed this isn’t going to help you – indicating it isn’t a good fit.
  • Working together: Therapy should be a collaborative process with your counsellor helping you to explore deeper and stay with the difficult feelings – rather than handing out simplistic, generic advice and platitudes.
  • Making progress: While you might experience some emotional discomfort processing difficult topics, you should generally feel some sense of healing and hope moving forward.

Maintaining Professional & Ethical standards:

  • Keeping to Appointment Times/Scheduling:  Having a regular time for your counselling is helpful. Frequent cancelling or rescheduling of appointments by your therapist shows a lack of respect for your time and can disrupt your progress in therapy.
  • Relevant Advice: Remember that therapists should stay within their area of expertise. If yours is giving medical, legal or financial advice – that’s not OK.
  • Confidentiality: Counsellors are required to keep your information private, with some exceptions. If you feel your therapist might be gossiping about you or sharing details inappropriately, that’s a concern.
  • Respecting Your Boundaries: If your counsellor shares too much personal information about themselves, pressures you to socialise outside of sessions, asks you for gifts or personal favours or makes unwanted physical contact – that’s a red flag.

Trust your instincts: Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t right. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with your therapist, it’s important to find someone else, someone you can connect with.  If you do notice any of the red flags and warning signs it’s time to look for a new therapist.

If you have any concerns, please feel free to contact us Plymouth Counselling (PRC).